Pregnant women are worthless

Yeah, I'm sure none of you mothers and knocked-up pieces of shit are going to want to hear this, but I'm only being honest. Few people in this world are what I would call worthless, and this is because most people do have some worth and some use. But there is absolutely no practical use for a woman with a clump of cells and blood in her uterus, and as always, I will offer up my reasoning.

First of all, pregnant women feel they have a "delicate condition" for nine months that renders them unable to do most things, from bending over to pick up a fallen item to getting out of bed or even bathing regularly. Their totally voluntary "condition" makes them think they are like little glass statues going white-water rafting and that even the smallest movement will break them and make them miscarry. Yeah, just try getting these bloated swine to work. Even if you pay them, they don't want to even know you’re thinking about asking them to maybe try a little harder. Even if their job involves sitting on their ass answering the phone all day, that's too much work. Oh, but they won't quit because they need the money. Baby-Daddy is in prison and Mother's Social Security checks only go so far after the crack and manicures, so Moo-to-be has to work. But don't you fucking expect her to do the job you pay her to do – that’s work for the un-pregnant people because they are far less important than her. Even the other pregnant women are less important than HER clump.

Let us not forget the weight gain. And I don’t mean the usual poundage these women put on, though I personally have never understood why a woman will gain 30 or 40 pounds because she’s incubating a creature that will weigh between about seven and ten pounds (given it is not premature). But women take the whole "eating for two" thing way, way too far, as they use it as an excuse to stuff their gobs with ten thousand calories a day. Excessive calories in conjunction with a sedentary lifestyle and you get a wanna-Moo who gains a hundred fucking pounds and will never lose it. And the high probability of developing gestational (or regular) diabetes.

And boy, repugnant women are never hesitant to bitch about all their symptoms. The puking and being tired and pissing every five seconds and cravings…the list goes on and on. I'd be sympathetic if it was due to an issue not of their own choosing, but when your complaints are due to a choice you made yourself and were in no way forced to make, you can stick your goddamn whining right up your fat, bloated ass. Not to mention every problem in a pregnant woman’s life is soooo much more important than the problems of not-pregnant (smart) people. You've got advanced cancer and only have a few months to live? Fuck you, go die somewhere else! Mommy has to pee again for the fifth time in twenty minutes! Call the ambulance stat!

Also, why is it pregnancy is the only lifestyle choice that a woman can take several weeks off for? Could I take two months off from work to get a boob job? Or can I have a week off because I’m getting a tattoo and a few more holes in my ears? Or hell, what if I question my sexuality and want to go to a lesbian bar for some action? I’m all for fair treatment…so if some dumb-shit bitch who can’t figure out how to use a condom can get vacation time, then I should get some for the decisions I make in my life too.

The best part of all this? Most women who get pregnant once go on and do it again several more times. Talk about masochism.